We can loose the object of our love- human beings, pets, our dreams, our health. And indeed, we often do.
But we can never loose love. That is permanent.
As a palliative nurse, I spend most of my waking hours being with vulnerability, and often with sadness and loss. I see patients and their loved on “battle on” against some giant invisible force determined to crush life. I see despair, hopelessness, resignation, cynicism, anger, sorrow. Serious and chronic illnesses are a loss that seems to make inroads into our otherwise self-invested and self-seeking minds by asking questions that are not easy to answer. Serious illness is always a call to courage. And our patients and their families are the heroes in the script.
In my experience, our patients and their loved ones are also teachers. I have learnt what it means to live and to love from them. What it is to live well, and love well- essential life lessons beautifully taught and slowly learned in the holy grail of suffering. In the deepest darkness of suffocating loss, there is much wisdom. I recall a patient with an aggressive brain tumour who once taught me that the human spirit is stronger than any adversity. “Oh I have asked why me and struggled against this is not fair argument so many times…that it is tiresome really, and frankly a pointless rabbit hole. Now, I like to think, the brain tumour chose me because I can bear and bear. That is how I know that I am stronger than my illness”.
Like my patients and their families, I have known loss intimately. I used to think that there are only two fundamental forces in life- love and fear. My patients have taught me otherwise. There is a third- the enduring force of pain and its wisdom as gift. “We are brought here to learn” said my patient “In this perfectly imperfect world, change what you can, try to do good, and let go of the rest”. She taught me the most essential life lesson- the difference between price and value.
The most beautiful people I have met have been deeply scarred. Beautiful people don’t just happen.